Hello! I am starting to dig out from the massive amount of boxes that surround us in our new space, and attempt to establish a routine. The move was insane…full of drama, early mornings, and very late nights…but alls well that ends well, and we are happily getting settled into our new home. I absolutely love the light and openness and relaxed feel of it.
I will say, packing up our old place and seeing it empty caused emotions to run like a river. Six years worth of memories…some joyous, a lot unthinkable…flooded us all at once. While Mike and I are excited to start a new chapter of our life in our new home, we aren’t innocent enough to believe it’s “a fresh start.” That we are “closing the door” on our past. Because we can never do that. I’d be lying to say my heart doesn’t hurt as I set up only two little girls’ rooms in the new house. When I suddenly miss Hannah so much I can’t breathe. But before we moved in, something happened…something unexpected and lovely…that brought me great comfort.
We were at the new house for the inspection (it was actually the first time I saw the place, but that is a wild and crazy story for another day!), and I was chatting with the owner about her garden. Anyone who knows me well is probably laughing right now because I have a fairly infamous black thumb and virtually no interest in yard work. That said, I had told Mike a few days earlier that, if nothing else, I wanted to plant peonies in the backyard for Hannah. (Peonies were the flowers I found while I was 22 weeks pregnant with Hannah, on the day we received good news about her health after the staggering blow of her Spina Bifida diagnosis. Here’s the detailed story: http://www.jensoares.com/blog/peonies-and-tulips/. The short story: that was the best day Hannah and I had together.) The seller chatted to me about the stunning crab apple tree in the front that was in bloom, and, to my delight, the giant lilac bush out back, very much like the one we had in my childhood home. For the most part, I nodded with what I hoped exuded some clue as to how to take care of a yard full of plants, and glanced around in a slight daze. “Then there are the peonies…” My breath caught in my throat and my eyes filled with tears. Peonies. The flower I can’t help but associate with our amazing second daughter. They were already here. She’s already here. A part of our next step. A part of our family forever.
Sweet Hannah, you continue to surprise me. You bring me comfort when I need it the most in the most darling ways. I’ll love you forever, little one.